Some may find it paradoxical that a cat who is both alive and dead at the same time is capable of making binary choices concerning teams that aren't actually observable. It's probably best not to think about it that hard. As always, all lines and point spreads are for entertainment purposes only. Now, on to the picks- Are you ready for some football?Week one picks are for clowns, and I'm a cat. So we're starting with Week 2 picks. And there's plenty going on in the newly christened "Looking For Love in Alderan Places" League (LFLIAP? What is it with you people and your names, anyway?). With three teams over 100 points and the other 5 under 90 last week, you might think making the picks this week would be easy. But, as my colleague the Queen would quickly point out, things are often needlessly more complicated than that. HelperMonkeys (1-0, -120) @ Darth Vader Is At My House (0-1, +115)So first off- come on, Neal- it's hard out here bein' an ambiguously alive cat. You're just busting my hairy cat balls with the $5 foot-long team name, right? Now that that's out of the way, the HelperMonkeys scored 121.6 last week by strategically having everyone on the team score right around their projected total. Brilliant! And also, Patrick Mahomes. DVIAMH scored 68.65 by pretty much doing the exact opposite. Really, they played like busted hairy kitty balls. It was that ugly. Actually, I'd really rather not think on that anymore, meow meow. Instead, since this is a keeper league, I'll focus on returning players this week as I try to figure out which fake teams to put my fake money on. DVIAMH's (good gawd, I'm going to have to type that all season aren't I?) pinned players are lead by a stellar WR corps- JuJu Smith-Schuster, Tyler Locket and Michael Thomas. They didn't do much last week, but trust me, they're good at football. This week all three have what should be tough match-ups (SEA, PIT & LAR respectively). That usually doesn't mean anything with guys this good, so I expect good things. RB is dicier as Melvin Gordon should be leading the way here, but seems to be pulling a Le'Veon Bell and holding out for... well, too long to be of any use this week, anyway. In his place, Kerryon Johnson is toting the load. Which, isn't a wrong idea, necessarily. But this week he's up against the Chargers, who are good. Johnson plays for Detroit, who, it's safe to say, are actively not good. The HelperMonkeys (see how that just rolls off the keyboard?) are led by Tecmo Pat Mahomes, who last season climbed Mt. Olympus and told the fantasy fooball elder-gods to get out of his house. Like Ricky Bobby said, "if you ain't Pat Mahomes, you're last". Sure, other players play for the HelperMonkeys, but does it really matter? Just look at that sweet, sweet .gif! The answer is no, it doesn't really matter. HelperMonkeys by 5.5 Old Sheep Dogs (0-1, +130) @ Novices (1-0, -120)The Old Sheep Dogs managed to make it interesting for most of the afternoon Sunday against the Sixty Minutemen, because hey look! Dak Prescott (40.45 pts) is a thing now in fantasy football! The Novices, on the other hand couldn't be troubled with letting the Spleenobiphiders stay close as they posted a league-high 124.05 and ran away with the week one Superbowl rematch. The Old Sheep Dogs pinned RB David Johnson, who looked a lot like his old self in his first game under coach Kliff, as well as TE Travis Kelce and WR Mike Evans. While Kelce remains 10 ft. tall and bulletproof, unfortunately for Chase, Mike Evans himself and the fine people of the greater Tampa-St. Petersburg metro area, Evans relies on Famous Jameis Winston to deliver him the ball. Which, to Jameis' credit, does happen occasionally. More often than not last Sunday, though, Jameis was throwing pick-sixes (2!) to the other team. Hoping Jameis comes through and caries you to victory is no way to go through life, kids. The Novices brought back QB Tom Brady (Practically Perfect in Every Way), RB Christian McCaffery, RB Alvin Kamara and WR Julio Jones. Did I mention Brady has the Dolphins this week? Wow, this one actually was easy. Novices by 7. Sith Happens (0-1, -105) @ Questmen (1-0, +110)Cory's 86.2 pts. in week one would have only beaten two teams: Neal's DVIAMH who the Questmen did, in fact, beat soundly, and the 81.65 posted by John David's recently renamed Sith Happens. I say all of this to point out that if we had a national TV contract, this week's Questmen vs. Sith Happens match-up would be announced by Kevin Kugler and Matt Millen, air at noon and then only to the Waco, Tulsa and Duluth media markets. Congrats, guys! Cory returns QB Matt Ryan, RB Leonard Fournette, and WR AJ "The 'Nads Puncher" Green, none of whom exactly clothed themselves in glory last week. Though, it must be said that Green did have an extremely difficult match-up against Injured Reserve. Just curious- when you rename a fantasy football team is it like when the Browns moved to Baltimore but had to leave the history and the name in Cleveland or is it more of a shady Al Davis moving the Raiders around or the Colts leave Baltimore in the Mayflower vans in the middle of the night kinda thing? So did the Teabaggers pin players then shove them into kidnapper vans and when they were finally let out, they belonged to Sith Happens? Regardless, the players in the back of John David's van included QB A-aron Rodgers, RB Todd Gurley, and RB Derrick "I'm the Baddest BF-er in the Room" Henry. For week 2, A-aron has been benched and Derrick the BF-er has moved to the starting line up. I think the moves might help. Certainly couldn't hurt. Sith Happens by 2.5. Tidy Bowl XXI: 60 Minutemen (1-0, -115) @ Spleenobiphiders (0-1, +105)Since the Spleenobiphiders and Sixty Minutemen meet this week in an early season match-up of the past two Super Bowl Champs, I thought it might be instructive to investigate how these two great champions assembled their teams as a bit to package around my imaginary picks of incorporeal fantasy football games: The mighty 2018 Champion Spleenobiphiders defining attribute was their Category-5 Kaiju backfield of Elliot and Barkley. Tony cleverly fell bass-ackward into both players; inheriting Elliot when he took over a defunct team and skillfully parlaying that good fortune into the league's worst record and the 2018 first overall draft pick, Barkley. Meanwhile, the 2017 Champion 60 Minutemen shrewdly made use of the waiver wire and used keen trade acumen to corner the market on domestic abusers, weed aficionados , sexual predators, contract malcontents, and Antonio Brown.
Each team is a snowflake, so others may not necessarily be able to recreate these winning formulas (especially since the 60 Minutemen seem to have all of the rapists). But it should be encouraging to know that there is more than one path to the top. 60 Minutemen by 4.
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Sixty Minute MenDoing Fantasy Football Wrong Since 1988 Archives
November 2019
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